#DeadBeatDad

Alright, I've gotta believe... I'm at my, furthest most, point of procrastination with writing this. I've put it off for six months, now. I've gone through two notepads just trying to draft it out. I've sat at this screen five times (that I actually recorded the dates) with a stack of notes. Each time, to just trash them all and refrain to do it again, but another day. I really didn't know where to start, like at what specific point in my life, would my kids be interested in learning about me. Let alone at all. In essence this is after all, either, for or about them. ALL EIGHT of them. Four of which I barely know... 

So, I guess, on that alone... I AM a #DeadBeatDad. Your Dead Beat Dad.

Just felt like listening to some music. I was listening to this playlist when I wrote this.

However... I'm not that beat, that I give a fuck about the title though. They're just words and words only have the power you give them. I've heard those enough, not to give too many fucks about them anymore. Considering it took a whole group of people, working in concert, to actually beat me. So, as far as I'm concerned... That makes me one bad mother fucker. I could break down, in specifics, all the little petty shit and all the major instances that could make people think that's a fitting title for me. I'd rather just save my side of the story, for use as content in one the dramatic comedies I'm writing. That's what I'm doing with my life by the way, writing. I was ghost writing, but I've gotten tired of doing other peoples research for them and working for pennies a word. Plus I figured translating my life story into comedic episodes, wouldn't be that far from the truth, and (hopefully) not too many people would have to feel butthurt because, I've finally decided to spit my side of the story. 

First, I'm not here to bash on anyone. I am, however, gonna say some things that will be, uncomfortable for some people, to hear. On the same token though, neither am I here to continue to beg for forgiveness from adults, for my adult actions or reactions. I do, however, feel I owe each of you (my children) a personal apology, and I think that's the best place to start with you guys getting to know me (again). I can tell you about my childhood, family background, all the crazy high school and military stories (your Mom really doesn't want me to tell you about, anyway) on some other occasion.

OFFICIALLY: I don't know which or how many of these (in my list) I've already missed or will be making it to... in the nearest future, 

BUT... I, humbly, apologize. 

And like usual... right here is where I'd get stuck. Even though I have a Christmas list of shit I want to apologize for. All stacked up on yellow legal pad pages.

There so much shit on my list I want to beg for forgiveness, but then I 'd have to start forgiving myself after awhile. And I've grown very close with my guilt. So once I got here, all I can think about is the fact that I've been a horrible, horrible father. So much other shit goes through my mind at this point, that I couldn't possibly begin to describe it. It's a set of pains I pray you never ever experience. There's a lot to be said, and I don't know how to say it all. But... I'm gonna try my damnedest.

 I apologize for all the first days of school and other general school events I missed. I wished more than you'll ever know, that I could have been there (for all of you) on those. I always wanted to be the loud Dad at your sports practices and games cheering you on. I wanted to be that Dad dropping his daughters off at dances, spying on your teenaged romances. Not because I don't trust you, because I was the raging ball of hormones, that teenaged boys can be. I love you that much. I wanted to be the one to introduce you to martial arts and take you to tourneys and fights, but that wasn't our life. I wanted to be that Dad, but I didn't know how. My example didn't live in my house either. It's not blaming or an excuse. It's just the truth. 

I wanted to be the Dad filming your graduations.

 

I apologize for not being there for those and being too fucking broke to even be able to send you a present. That shit stabs the fuck outta your pride, in the worst way. Just in case you were wondering. #ijs

But I guess that's the type of shit, that makes people assume you're a dead beat. When you're really just dead BROKE. 

Which really sucks on your kids birthdays. 

I think this is where, I specifically apologize for a few of those missed birthdays. Peanut, my Princess, I love you so much. My first everything. I never knew what life was until I met you. I literally had no regard for it, until that day. All the birthdays I've missed, I can't get them or give them back. Your sweet sixteen, your eighteenth, your graduation...Dude, I'm sorry! 

I'm a real piece of shit for those. But the bottom fell out baby. The work stopped and so did the flow. I'm just so glad, your still talking to me from time to time. Don't ever NOT talk to me again. Even if I'm the one you're pissed at. Still, talk to me. I'm glad you read my ass in that email too. I was so pissed, but I was so proud of you. 

My twins, my only children, that I didn't get to see their souls entering this third dimension world. I beg you, from the core of my spirit, to forgive me for not being there to greet you into this world. All the birthdays, school events, and holidays that were missed are just that... missed. I don't know how many of the other things, I mentioned above, I'll be able to make it to or how soon. But you two, my beautiful twin baby girls...you can't imagine the love you hold in my heart. I dream often of the day I get to press your two head to my chest in great BIG bear hug. 

Beyond birthdays and school stuff, I most want to apologize for how I've handled deaths in the past. All three of you, (my oldest daughters) have lost your Grandfathers. I should have came and paid respects to you, your Mother's and their families. I didn't know until months after the fact in all of your cases. 

But one of an extremely short list of the things, I am most ashamed of, in life...is how I totally didn't deal with the death of my son's step-father. Dude, I'm gonna offer you one apology, I wish my Dad would have offered me when I was a kid. I'll give you one free swing. But just one! If you load up for a second one, I'm putting you down. As my namesake I owe you man's apology. Me not being there for you, was a bitch move. Not like me at all. 

When your Mother's ex-husband passed away, I should have the minimum, called. But as a friend to you both, I should have offered to help in anyway I could have. That would've been the stand up shit to do. Instead.. (like an idiot) I let, fuckin' old, old emotions... about how I felt about he and your mother's relationship, and my and your mother's relationship, interfere with me doing my duty (as your ACTUAL father). AGAIN ...I let that shit get in the way. 

Son, no matter where I am in the world you know how to get in touch with me, and if you don't, you know who does. I'm never too far away to call. Just like I told your sister...never hesitate to call and talk to me. Even if I'm the person your mad at, ESPECIALLY if I am. I'm just saying, the phone works from both sides. Yours and mine. When you need me dial the number, any hour. If I don't have what you need, I'm sure I know how to get it. But I got the conversation for days, for you guys. Man, I got plenty of that. 

That goes for all of you.

Zion and Brooklyn... I hadn't addressed you two directly throughout this whole apology. That was intentional. Since, I know little to nothing about you, past the ages of 2 and 1. What I do know, I picked out of some hick town newspaper, relatives and friends that would tell me how you're doing in school. I guess after Grandma died I haven't been in touch with the same people anymore, and I haven't been in Jersey in years, and I have zero definite plans to do so. My apology is the same to you as to your siblings, but with a deeper empathetic sorrow. Because, you've had to live with your mother. 

I tried, extremely hard, in your earliest years of your life to be there for you. I'll just say, your mother (with the financial backing of her parents) made that "legally" impossible. She did so for the next four years following, the day that I was removed from your lives. It started a long time of struggle for me and created a situation of difficulty... that spread to the relationships between your siblings and myself, as well. Your big sister, said to me a couple years ago,"You should've tried harder Daddy!" I wish I had and a whole lot sooner. I pray for you. My best advice: Don't feed into the insanity. The older you get, the more you'll understand what I'm talking about. I don't want no drama, so...

"..that's all I have to say about that."

Next time on the Dead Beat Dad Chronicles: 

  65% - 

How that number keeps NJ fathers and children, legally separated. 

   

Who / What Is This Page For / About?

Let's start with...

What this page is for... is to be a spot for me, Kevin Marsh, to lay down the story of who I am/was for my kids. Just a little something about who, I personally, want to be remembered as; what I've done and plan to do with my life. Including the details of what/where I come from.

This is, Atlantic City, NJ, where I spent most of my life.

The whys, of why... I have to do this for my children, are a bit more complicated. But we'll get to that eventually, while discussing my life. For they are all, parts of it. For now, I won't name my children, but I will tell you that I am a father of "Eight" and like, the title of that old 80's show.... Eight is Enough!

I had been putting this off, because I couldn't decide where to begin. I tried to remember the important talks I had with my folks and my elders. I thought about ABC's, 123's, the birds and the bees, knowing right from wrong, the importance of learning, and respect. I thought about other things as well, like if it was even possible to teach them about farming, cooking or carpentry over the internet. Since those are my skills, I kind of feel obligated to pass them on. It's only right, at least in my mind, since it was passed on to me by my elders. I contemplated discussing things, that not enough people share with kids. Drug use/abuse was the 1st topic and worst mistake I ever made. Relationship advice was an idea too, but I haven't had a societal example of a good one in my life, with the exception of my current. So that was a big deterrence.

But while contemplating what to share first, I realized I was stalling. Not just on this conversation , but also on my life. You see, some years ago, I lost my fight. Before that lost, that was the only thing; I believed, I was good at... Fighting. I just did not know how to fight fairly, earlier on in life. So I shied away from that idea. I feel now though, that's exactly where I need to start. At least, with the message I need to impart to my children. Now I have embraced, what I like to call, my Warrior Spirit. Although I do not consider myself a master of any thing, I proudly own my title of a fighter and hold my own definition to what it means, of being one. 

Over time I plan to explain/answer the following:

• What does Fighting mean to me?

• For what REASONS/PURPOSES should we fight?

• When should you or shouldn't you fight?  

• Why should we never stop fighting? 

•  What does it mean, to fight fair?

•  Who loses every fight and why?

Be describing these things I'm going to expose my own mishaps/mistakes made while "Fighting my Fights." I'll be doing so in hopes that I and others learn from those mistakes, especially and specifically my children. 

I'm doing it on a public platform, to keep myself honest, with you & myself. Proving to myself/others that even though, my life wasn't all good, it doesn't make me all bad nor does it have to end up that way either. Hopefully my own conscious self-inventory, can inspire others; to take their own inventories and make the world a better place.

I'll also be addressing world issues here, especially those that disturb me to my core, also those that lighten my heart and inspire my soul.

I'm sure I've left you with more questions than answers, perhaps you should ask yourself some of these same questions. Maybe the answers will lead you into knowing who you are, yourself. Everyone has a fighter in them, what kind and how much of a fighter you are is for you to find out yourself. This blog should be a learning experience for us all.

That's it for now, be sure to hit Ctrl+D to bookmark this page. 
You HAVE to come back, because I'll be here waiting until you do.

Lots of Love! 
Dad/Kev

Bob Marley's "One Love" (cover) - By Playing For Change